Say the Word
by A Darker Shade
Summary: Rufus says casual, Reno says fine, Tseng knows they're both lying. Rufus/Reno, bit of Tseng/Rufus, bit of Tseng/Reno. Turks and Vice Presidents don't say that word. Sort of romantic!


**This is the first version of various responses I've been working on to a challenge CameoAmalthea set me on the Genesis Awards forums. This was the challenge:**

Summary: Tseng has been watching and wanting Reno, but Reno has no idea. Reno doesn't think he'd ever catch Tseng's eye, he knows there are some things he just can't have. When he lets his insecurities slip to his lover, Rufus Shinra is quick to take things the wrong way and is none too pleased to hear that Reno thinks someone is too good for him. What does that make Rufus? Lower? Out of spite he decides to take what Reno wants for himself, but will pursuing Tseng become more than just a game for Rufus?  
Terms that must be met: Misunderstandings. Rufus not caring that Reno wants to be with Tseng, but offended that Reno doesn't think he can. Rod observing events and having no idea what's going on. Possibly Rude guessing almost exactly what's going on and saying nothing.  
Reason for choosing the author: Because this plot bunny was inspired by her fic, and a certain line that's a sticking point for me.

**The fic she's referring to is my story "As Good as it Gets" and this story could be seen as a kind of sequel to that. I think the sticking point is where I have Reno believing that "some things, you just can't have". **

**Cam - I'm afraid this only fulfils some of your requirements. This challenge has been just that for me. I've written lots of parts of different versions, some which stick more closely to your brief, and some which take paths of their own, but this is the first one I've finished so I'm posting it straight away because I've already kept you waiting a while. If it's nothing like you wanted, I'm sorry - there will be more, and they're all different! This process has been an interesting writing exercise. **

**In some ways this is more a response to Rufus and Reno's relationship in her great adaptation of "The Case of Shinra" novella - "Life is Stronger Than Death" (I don't know why this site won't do links to itself, but type www dot fan fiction dot net /s/7677996/1/Life-is-Stronger-Than-Death), which I thoroughly recommend. A lot of the ideas about the nature of Reno and Rufus' relationship here are taken from that story. **

**"Say the Word" alternates between Reno's and Rufus' POV. **

* * *

**Say the Word**

Why do I do this? After all this time and after all I've done you'd'a thought I'd be immune by now, like how I've built up my immunity to Bolt over the years – like we all do with poison. Same way I've built up my reputation as this don't-give-a-shit motherfucker, right? So why the hell do I still do this? Thought I'd be safe by now. Thought I'd learned to keep it under, like with –

Yeah. And that one's been years. Kept under from the start, but still not drowned.

Anyway, Rufus and me – we been fucking around a long time. Must be – what? Three years now. Since before he was VP. Didn't even take me that long to get in too deep, either. And it's dumb as fuck. Didn't he make it crystal from the start – this ain't nothin' but sex? Yeah. And don't he keep sayin' it every single time – _This can't be anything more. You're a Turk. One day I'll be the President. You'll just be one weapon of many: I'll have to be free to employ you as necessary and you'll have to be able to follow my orders without question._

Like I don't know that. Like I don't already do whatever the fuck I'm told.

So, every time he comes out with that old line about _this is just sex_, I'm all _sure, Boss, _and _suits me fine _and makin' damn sure that one of the other Turks is watching when I pick up whoever in whatever bar so he gets to hear all about it - and there's all the proof he needs that I'm everything everyone already thinks I am.

But the truth is - those others? _That's_ just sex. And that's how I know the difference.

x

Sometimes unworthy feelings come when I'm with him. I've been so careful to keep the boundaries of this arrangement clearly delineated that it's shameful to find myself the one in danger of crossing them. The fact is that I can't love him. I am what I am, and he is what he is, and there is no way to change those parameters. One day he may have to die – for me, or because of me. I have to be willing to sacrifice him if necessary: my destiny demands it. In such a naturally unequal relationship, how could such a thing as love find a place to balance?

I have always made it quite clear to him how things have to stand between us. The fact that occasionally I feel more than I should – well, that's irrelevant in any case, because it's obvious that he's in no danger of that kind. When I reiterate, as I'm careful to do, that our arrangement can only ever be a sexual one, I make sure to look him in the eye – he has beautiful eyes of a colour I find hard to describe, somewhere between green and blue… And when I look him in the eye, there's never anything but agreement there. I take care to look. I wouldn't do this if I thought he were the type who might get too involved. But I'm safe with him. He doesn't _care_, which, naturally, is a relief to me. I'd see it in his eyes if he did, wouldn't I? No one's that good a liar.

x

I'm a fucking fantastic liar. Have to be – professionally and personally. After I went and fell for a colleague the first time, I learned all there is to learn about hiding that shit from everyone. Rufus won't find out that I give a fuck – not from me and not from anyone else. Rude _might_ guess – he's the only one who can read me, I reckon – but even if he does, he won't talk. A few of the others know Rufus and me got this thing going on, but half of them think it's orders, and all of them think it's as casual as Rufus thinks it is.

As it _is_. No point believing anything different.

Truth is, he drives me crazy. Not always in a good way, but sometimes… Yeah. Most times. He's so damn good at everything he does.

What makes me mad – so mad that sometimes I nearly slip up and let him see it – is the way he throws stuff at me like he throws Dark Nation dog treats. Started with clothes and, hell, I didn't mind that. He'd be all, _looks good on you – keep it, _and I did, because fuck knows I can't afford that high-class gear. And wearing his shirt when he's not around… It's pathetic how much I like doing that. Like I'm a fucking _girl_ or some shit.

But it didn't stop with the clothes, did it? And now it's… Like, the other day when I had to sign off the timesheet when Rod went off duty, Rufus took the damn pen out of my hand and threw it into the trashcan on the other side of the room - his aim's almost perfect – should see him at the firing range – comes natural to him, like so much else does. And then he gave me his pen instead – _very_ nice - some rare wood and silver, as he made sure to tell me – and when I went to give it back, oh no – _I can't stand to look at those cheap plastic things – you'd better keep that one. _And he smiles like he already owns the world and I'm some fucking charity case and I swear one day I'm gonna smack him in the mouth and tell him where to stick –

But I won't, will I?

I would do, only - would be a shame to spoil that face, yo!

Who am I kidding? I couldn't do it. Couldn't do it because I –

Yeah. Whatever that means.

x

I can't love him, but I don't want him to think he's not appreciated. I give him gifts – things he otherwise probably wouldn't be able to afford. Of course I have to be subtle. I don't want him getting the wrong idea and thinking I mean more by it than I – than I _can_. That pen I bought him – with the left-handed nib in that Turk-blue Mideel cyabrus wood. I think I managed to give him that so it seemed like a passing whim. After all, what's the point of having all this money if I can't spend it on the one person I –

Well. The one person I perhaps would, if I could. If things were different.

I saw a beautiful pilot's watch in that jeweller's on Loveless Avenue the other day. Those Turk-issue ones are functional, but hardly stylish. I wonder whether he'd wear it if I bought it for him? He wears his watch on his right wrist, like most left-handers I suppose. I spend a lot of time looking at his wrists. They're so much narrower than mine that they almost look fragile. I always find it hard to believe how strong he is. I think, in time, I'll be able to out-shoot him, but hand-to-hand he'll always have the advantage. He's so strong, my Turk, and faster than any of them.

I doubt he'd wear the watch, but I might get it for him anyway. If I don't spend this month's allowance on anything else, I'll have enough without having to ask for the old man's signature. I'd give Reno anything he wanted, and yet he never wants anything from me at all.

x

Last night I did something I shouldn't'a done, and I knew it even at the time. Stupid! If Rude didn't suspect before, I bet he's thinking about it now, and as for Tseng… Fuck.

But no, there's no reason why Tseng should think any more of it than any of the others. Not like I made the move, yo! But this guy – Xin – he was keen and he looked so like Tseng that I couldn't say no, and damn it was good! But it's dragged all that stuff up from the depths and I was right. Not drowned. Alive and kicking me right in the guts, and my own fault, because I knew that it would.

Can't see Xin again. As long as I don't, no one's any the wiser. Not like there's a pattern. Girls, boys – whoever – just another one of Reno's one nighters, right? But I want –

Shit, man. When did what I want count for anything? I'm a Turk. I don't get to choose – and that's a good thing most of the time. What I signed up to. Picked a side a long time ago, and the only downside of knowing what side you're on is that some things are off limits.

But I need a side. Rufus – he ain't on no one's side but his own – not his daddy's, not the company's – sure as hell not mine. And maybe he needs to be that way. We all do what we have to, to survive, right? Rufus is the most fearless person I know. Maybe that's why I –

Yeah. But I don't envy him. At least I got backup, yo. Rude. Tseng.

Tseng's on my side. It's why I can't never let any of that shit show – why that once with Xin has to be enough. Can't do anything to risk that – to throw everything off. I need Tseng on my side.

x

It doesn't bother me that Reno wants to sleep with other people. Sometimes I'm away for long periods of time. Sometimes – rarely – I want to sleep with other people too. I can see that someone like Reno simply isn't designed for monogamy. If I keep track of Reno's off-the-clock activities, it's not out of any foolish jealousy – merely interest and self-preservation. I don't doubt Reno's discretion, but a Turk is always at risk of blackmail, of course. Dyer, who, by all accounts, was once an excellent detective in Costa del Sol before he joined the Turks, sends me regular reports.

I have a file containing brief profiles and photographs of all of Reno's previous partners since I started this – whatever it is - with him. They have little in common. Their ages range from fifteen – although he swore afterwards that she told him she was eighteen, and she looks it – to fifty something. The majority are women. Most of them are beautiful to some degree, and the ones that aren't are interesting in some other way. Occasionally I ask him about them – the ones that catch my attention for some reason. He never says much. He rarely sees any of them twice.

This one is different. He looks so like Tseng that everyone must have noticed it. Tseng must have – according to Dyer's report he was there. What did he think? Surely it's a coincidence, because, if Reno really wanted Tseng, he'd simply ask Tseng wouldn't he? I've read Tseng's file – he's had some encounters with men outside of work. I can't imagine he'd say no to Reno. There's something about Reno that's difficult to resist.

It must be a coincidence. Dyer's report says that this Xin approached Reno, not the other way around.

I'll ask Reno about it tonight. If he wants Tseng, I won't stand in his way. It's the perfect opportunity to prove to him again that our – relationship – is purely a practical arrangement.

x

Shoulda known Rufus would be all over that. I swear he has some goddamn sixth sense or some shit – any chink in the armour and he's on it like a guard hound after a jumping. And he's one sneaky son-of-a-bitch. Waits until after, when I'm all nice and relaxed and just on the way down - because damn! If there's anyone hotter I ain't never met 'em – and then with the questions and the orders: _so, tell me about this Xin. _

So I tell him, _just some pretty punk I met in a bar_, and he says, _who happens to look a lot like Tseng… _

I nearly say, _yeah, so? _Like the greenest ever rookie on his first day, and that would tell him it matters straight off. But I catch myself, and instead I say, _he don't look that much like Tseng, close up. Anyway – wouldn't be complaining. Tseng's hot. _

But he sticks with it. Tells me if I want Tseng, he's fine with that. He's not jealous. Well – no shit! He's fine with me fucking just about the whole of Midgar, so why should he be bothered about one more? So I just say, _Tseng wouldn't look at me, even if… _And I know straight away that it's a bad answer, because his mouth goes hard, and then he smiles in that way that gives me the wrong sort of chills.

He says, _why would you think that?_

But this is too close to things that should be dead and won't die, so I let him see that I mean it when I say, _because it's the fucking truth. Let it go, Rufus._

He backs off, but he don't fool me. He ain't done with this. Once he gets his teeth into something…

_I've got an early meeting tomorrow, _he lies, like I don't know his schedule. _You'd better not stay._

I leave, angry, and he stays, angry. I hate it when it's like this.

x

It bothers me more than it should that Reno thinks Tseng's too good for him. I wasn't lying when I told him that I'm not jealous – I've never been sexually jealous. But I suppose I am jealous of my - _standing_ - for want of a better word. If _I'm_ not too good for Reno, then why should Tseng be?

Perhaps the more important question is why should I care? Reno shouldn't – Reno _doesn't_ mean so much to me that I should waste my time fretting over this. I have more important things to think about.

If Reno doesn't appreciate what he has here, then perhaps I should put a stop to this.

But the sex is so…

And that's all this is about, isn't it?

No, I don't want to stop it – not until it becomes necessary. But Reno should be made to see that there's nothing unattainable about Tseng. I have to show Reno that he's worth more than he thinks he is. He's my lover, after all. And that means no one in the world is too good for him.

x

So we're in the bar, as per, and Rude tells me Rod's been asking questions about me an' Rufus, and did I know Rufus has been outright coming on to Tseng? And that's a punch in the guts all right – no – _two_ punches, because, hell, I work hard to keep that Tseng stuff under, and I _know_ Rufus don't see me as anything more than a convenient fuck, but – why Tseng, out of everyone he coulda picked?

But I know why, don't I? It's because I didn't tell Xin to get lost. Knew it was a risk, soon as I got a good look at him – but I knew he was as close to Tseng as I was ever gonna get, and – fuck it, I'm not just Rufus' _pet_! And now that bastard is throwing this in my face too, just like he does with his money: _you_ can't afford this, but I can, because I'm Rufus fucking Shinra.

What does Tseng think about all this? Well, if he ain't straighter than Rude why would he turn Rufus down? Who would? I couldn't – but then, I wouldn't be able to turn down Tseng either. Not that Tseng would ever ask.

How do I get myself into this shit?

What if I just came right out and said it? _Rufus, I…_

Who am I kidding? Can't even _think_ it, but it's still true. He'd laugh. Or he'd get that serious look and be all, _I've explained this, Reno. It can't ever be more than sex. _

Can't be – but it is. It is for me.

Rude don't say nothin' but I can see him reading me. Too late, I slap this stupid grin on my face, but I know it most likely looks – what's that word? _Ghastly_ - like I'm tryin' to hide the fact that I'm about to puke - which is pretty close to how I feel.

"Whatever," I say, like a kid. "Can't blame him – Tseng's hot." It don't work on Rude any better than it did on Rufus. He gives me this kind of pitying look and if it were anyone else I'd punch him out for that. I don't know for sure whether Rude knows how I've always felt about Tseng, but he sure as hell gets it about Rufus.

I push back the chair getting to my feet, and it slams against the wall. "Drinks," I mumble, like that explains everything.

Rude rolls with it, though. "Another beer, thanks," he says, like everything's fine.

Thank fuck for Rude, man. Best partner I ever had.

x

Tseng is proving something of a challenge, which is interesting. I must confess that I hadn't really thought beyond proving my point to Reno – showing him that Tseng _is_ attainable and that if Reno doesn't have the courage to take what he wants, then I will. I'd never considered that Tseng might not be attainable after all.

He's – polite. I've made my intentions perfectly clear, and yet he has a way of letting my advances – I don't know – _evaporate_. I don't understand it: he's definitely bisexual and, without being vain, it's a fact that I'm more than commonly attractive. I think he _is _attracted to me, but nevertheless he resists effortlessly. Why?

He's more than commonly attractive himself. I can't blame Reno for wanting him. Perhaps he's already tried the same approach as I have, and met with the same cool resistance? That would certainly explain Xin – simple sexual frustration.

When I started this, teaching Reno a lesson was all I wanted. Now, I find myself wanting Tseng. It's been so long since I wanted anyone other than Reno… Even when I went with those girls while I was in Junon, it was Reno I thought about. Why shouldn't I have Tseng? Reno has anyone he wants! It's not as though I owe him anything. In fact, focussing on Tseng will be a good way of diluting these inconvenient feelings that keep cropping up when I'm with Reno.

Anyway, it's only a game, and I'm good at winning games.

It's _all_ only a game. That's all it can be; at least until I'm president.

x

Rufus hasn't asked to see me in three weeks, and, yeah, it hurts. Stupid, huh? Rod's all buzzy, like some kinda annoying fly – he's good at pickin' up vibes, and he knows something's going on. Asked me how come I ain't on the VP's detail this week, and Tseng is? I told him to ask Tseng, which he won't dare. But I'm wondering, too. Tseng makes the rosters. Veld approves them. I guess Rufus is fucking Tseng now, or Tseng's fucking Rufus. Most likely both. We did both…

Rufus always said we were only casual, and - can't blame Tseng for wanting Rufus, if that's what's happening. But –

Well. Rufus may not get jealous, but I guess I do. Thing is, I'm not sure which one of them I'm more jealous of – Rufus for having Tseng, or Tseng for having my Rufus. Huh! Like he was ever _mine_.

Wish I knew what I did wrong though.

Wish I knew why Rufus is doing his level best to flaunt it in front of me, like that snippy comment about my uniform the other day, and his hand all _approving_ on Tseng's lapel. Tseng looked kinda uncomfortable, but then _he's_ never been the sort to show off.

Wish I could shake it off, like Dark Nation coming out of the bath – shake it off and walk away, just like everyone thinks I do.

Rufus could at least've told me it was over. Acting like I've just dropped off the face of the planet – yeah – that cuts me up, and I ain't too proud to admit it.

x

Something of a surprise today.

I managed to get Veld to change the rosters, so that Tseng has been my principal bodyguard for the last three weeks, by telling him I'd argued with Reno and didn't want to see him until he'd cooled down. When I spoke to Veld, I added that I'd prefer someone with a mature attitude 'like Tseng'. Veld took the hint.

Unfortunately, Tseng didn't. The more I made my interest obvious to him, the more distantly professional he became. In the end I took the direct approach and said, "You're a Turk. You can't be unaware of my interest in you – it's part of your job to be observant, after all." To which he replied, "Yes, Sir."

Honestly, if I were a few years younger I would probably have stamped my foot! I asked him whether he found me attractive, and he replied that he did. I asked him, rather petulantly I'm afraid, what his problem was, in that case, and he said, "I take issue with the fact that your play for me seems to stem from a desire to provoke some sort of reaction from Reno. I won't be a party to that, unless I'm given a direct order – which would have to come through Veld, as you're aware."

Damn him! _Too_ damned observant. And I thought I'd been subtle. Perhaps it was childish, but I asked, "What's Reno to you?" and his reaction was quick – "He's one of our best agents" – but it wasn't quick enough, and instantly I saw the reason for his resistance to all my attempts at seduction.

Tseng has some kind of emotional attachment to Reno.

I need to think about what I'm going to do with this information. It raises questions – does Reno feel the same towards Tseng? Perhaps I was mistaken to think that Reno considers Tseng beyond his reach – perhaps he's already had some kind of relationship with him? Or perhaps Reno is aware of Tseng's feelings and reciprocates, but Tseng won't act on them for professional reasons? In which case, did Reno pick up Xin in front of Tseng to provoke _him_?

I wanted to seduce Tseng, and then let Reno know about it – to show him the importance of taking what you want. But now I find myself wanting Tseng for his own sake, which seems futile unless I can persuade him that my interest in him is separate from my problems with Reno. And Reno probably thinks I've abandoned him, which was never my intention. I miss him, actually, much more than I should. But how can I go back to him, having failed with Tseng? I don't fail. I can't lose my own game! There has to be a way to turn this around.

x

I wasn't going to say anything, but when I find myself on a boring-as-hell surveillance mission with Tseng I just can't keep my mouth shut, can I? We're in an empty apartment across from the target's home, watching him. We have a high-powered scope and his whole apartment is bugged, but we've turned the volume down half way and we're just sitting in armchairs in the dark watching with our own eyes, because he has all the blinds open and the whole place is lit up like a shop-front. All he's doing is lounging on the couch in a bathrobe watching some fucking nature documentary on TV, chowing his way through a massive bowl of popcorn and scratching his balls. If I had a rifle, I swear he'd'a lost that hand by now – but our brief is just watching. If people knew what they look like when they don't know anyone's there to see them…

The woman on the TV is saying something about Nibel wolves raising their cubs in caves near natural mako springs. I've learned a ton of trivia from listening in on stakeouts. Rufus is always surprised when I know shit – like he expects me to be dumb as fuck. He tries to hide it, but I catch him not quite raising his eyebrows. Just this little twitch. Patronising bastard!

It's crazy how much I miss him.

"So – you and Rufus?" I ask. It just slips out. Tseng looks at me.

"No," he says.

"Oh. Oh – I thought –"

"I think you were meant to. Have you and Rufus had some kind of falling out?"

"Not really. He got the wrong end of the stick about that guy I met a while back. Xin."

"In what way?"

See, this is what I do. Maybe I am as dumb as fuck after all. I talk without thinking it through, and then where do I go? Tseng is watching me, interested in what I'll say, but cool as ever. Well, why not? Not like he cares about me. I mean, not like that. Not like I –

I take a breath, and go with the almost-truth for once.

"He thinks I went with Xin because he looks like you. Keep telling him, _he_ came on to _me_. He thinks I want you. I told him even if - that wouldn't ever happen. I don't know – he seemed kinda _offended_. Next thing I know about it, he's all over you, and he don't so much as look at me anymore. So – he didn't come on to you?"

"He did. I told him no."

"Seriously? Why?"

"Because it soon became obvious to me that his interest in me was in some way related to his relationship with you. I don't care to be used as a pawn in Rufus Shinra's games – especially when they're not related to work."

"Why would he be playing games? Not like he cares how I feel. Right from the start he made that clear. Nah – I reckon Xin just put the idea of you in his head. Can't blame him for wanting -"

Shit. And that's too much truth, right there.

Tseng looks kinda weird. Embarrassed or something – I don't know. I start saying anything to try to cover up that slip. "If you want Rufus, go for it," I say, because even though it's not what I want to happen, isn't anything better than anyone finding out that don't-give-a-fuck Reno _does? _"Don't worry on my account. Me and Rufus – not like that _means _anything."

"I don't think that's true, for either of you," Tseng says.

"Is for _him_!" I say, before I think. I can't believe how goddamn bitter that sounded. Fuck. I'm normally such a good liar, but I can't lie to Tseng. Or maybe I don't really want to.

"You love him," Tseng says. That word. I open my mouth to deny it, but nothing comes out. Tseng waits. This time, I _do_ think.

"Yeah," I admit at last. It's a kind of relief. "Yeah – I do. But there's no place for that in this life, is there? Not for him, or me, or any of us. It's just – a bad habit I have. Thought I'd grow out of it, you know? I mean – that word!"

"Love?" says Tseng.

"Yeah, that. That's for kids, right? Not like this is the first time I fell for someone when I shouldn't. Always managed to keep it down, though. Rufus don't know. You can't tell him!"

"I won't tell him, but perhaps you should. Even Vice Presidents aren't immune, Reno. Even Turks."

I don't think I've ever felt more uncomfortable in my life. Why won't feelings that you do everything you can to kill just fucking _stay dead_, the way dead targets do? This ain't Turk stuff. This is – I don't know. I can't reply.

"It certainly can be inconvenient," Tseng adds, with something that's almost a smile.

"_You'd_ never be so unprofessional!" I say.

Tseng doesn't reply to that. We watch the target, and by the end of another hour we know just about all there is to know about the animals and monsters of the Nibel mountains, but fuck all about whether the target is an Avalanche mole or not. Tseng is kinda restless, getting up and pacing the room from time to time. When Rude and Cassie come to take over he seems relieved.

I drive us back to the ShinRa building.

"I'll drop you at the front," I say, "before I park."

I pull into the drop-off bay and he's about to get out when he turns back suddenly, leans across and kisses me.

x

It turns out to be easier than I thought. All it takes is a little honesty. Perhaps that's a lesson I need to learn. So much of my life recently has been secrecy and deceit, plotting against my father, that I suppose I've forgotten what honesty can achieve.

I decide to have one last shot at Tseng, by the simple expedient of telling him the truth.

"I'm sorry," I tell him, when we're alone in my rooms. "You were right – I did initially approach you because I was angry with Reno. But it's not about that now."

"I see," says Tseng, and somehow he seems a lot more relaxed than he did last time. I cross the room to him and put my hand on his cheek. His skin is smooth. Cooler than Reno's. This time he does nothing to stop me.

"I'm still with Reno," I tell him, wondering, actually, whether Reno believes this to be the case. "But I want you, too."

"That's direct," Tseng says. "What does Reno think about this?"

"_He_ won't mind," I tell him, and I'm surprised at the bitter tone I hear in my own voice. "What we have – it's only sex."

"No," says Tseng, firmly, and he steps back. I think that's the end of it, but he puts his hands on my arms and keeps them there. "You love him," Tseng says.

"I can't love anyone. I've always been honest with him about that. He knows the limits my life imposes. I can't afford to get involved."

"Not everything's about what you can afford," Tseng says. "Some things just _are_, whether you like it or not. We all have emotions, Rufus. It's how we deal with them that makes the difference."

"And how do _you_ deal with _your_ feelings for Reno?" I ask.

For a moment he looks shocked, but then he gives one of those small smiles. "I didn't deal with them for years," he says. "I pretended they weren't there. But recently Reno and I have come to an understanding."

"_How_ recently? What kind of an understanding?" I ask, but he shakes his head. "You'd better ask Reno about that," he says. "And you'd better tell him about this, while you're at it. There have been too many secrets." He looks into my eyes, and I wonder exactly what he knows, but I'm too far along the path I'm travelling to turn back now in any case. There's heat in his eyes though – he has such intense eyes – and all I can do is ask, "Tell him about wh-" but before I can finish the question he kisses me.

x

Seems Rufus talked to Veld and got the rosters changed back. Being with him again is so damn good.

After, he holds me like he never does, and runs his fingers through my hair. "I slept with Tseng," he tells me.

I can't help feeling jealous – just for a moment – but I still don't know which of the two of them I'm more jealous of. Then I remember that I don't have to be jealous about that any more. "Right," I say, still being careful.

"I understand why you wanted him," he says, not looking at me. "Am I wrong to assume you slept with him, too?"

I tell him the truth. Reckon it's about time. "Yeah. Been a long time coming, that has. For both of us, turns out."

"So – I was wrong. You never thought he was out of your league?"

"Maybe a bit." I admit. "But, hell, Rufus, no more than you were! Fuck – was that why you shut me out? _You_ started this with me, remember? I would never've risked it. No - with Tseng I was just – scared, I guess. Scared in case he said no, and scared he might say yes. Too much to lose, yeah? Too difficult, professionally."

"He said you came to an arrangement?"

"Yeah. We agreed it would be just the one time. At least, for as long as we work together." Neither of us says it, but I know Rufus is thinking it like I am – that means forever. You don't stop working for the Turks. Not while you're alive. I kiss Rufus, and he looks at me in that intense way he does sometimes, like he's looking for something.

"Do you love him?" Rufus asks.

That word again. Shit. What do I say?

I can't say the word, can I? Because him and me – what we have is only supposed to be about the sex. That's all he wants, isn't it?

Isn't it?

"Reno?" Rufus prompts.

Seems I have to go and say it, after all.

"Yes," I tell him. "I do love him. And I know you're gonna hate it, but I love you, too. As much. Too much. Because I'm stupid like that, and I ain't never been able to get a grip on it when it happens. But don't worry – I won't let it show. I know you don't love me. We can stick to what it was – just about the sex, yeah?"

I try to look like I mean it – like I'm fine with it – but he looks me right in the eye and shakes his head. Shit. I screwed up, and he's really gonna finish it this time. I brace myself, like I would during a fight if I was expecting a punch to the gut.

x

Reno looks as though he thinks I'm going to hit him, and all I can do is shake my head, because the words won't come.

He loves me.

I was so sure he felt nothing for me, but he loves me, and all those feelings I've tried so hard to deny have entirely escaped my control. I've been so wrong. I can't love him – but I _do_. As Tseng so aptly put it, some things just _are_.

If I were someone else – if I didn't have a direct line to Fuhito and plans that will either bring me the world, or my own downfall – perhaps then I could allow myself to tell him, and all this could have some kind of fairytale ending. But just as he and Tseng can't permit themselves to be together without jeopardising their working relationship, so I can't allow myself to give him hope of something that may well prove beyond my ability to deliver. I love him, but I would still risk all of us – myself, Tseng, and Reno - to achieve my ultimate goal.

So if I tell Reno I love him, won't that be a lie?

Perhaps, one day, when all this is over, when I'm president… If that day comes, there might be a place for such a thing as love?

But however hard I tell them they _can't_ exist, the feelings are obstinate, and remain.

x

"I thought you didn't even like me much," Rufus says.

"Thought that's how you wanted it," I tell him.

"I suppose I thought that was how it needed to be," he admits.

He doesn't say he loves me, but he doesn't say he _don't_ either. And I guess I can live with that, because a moment later, when he kisses me, he sure as hell kisses me like he means it.

* * *

**Good old Tseng, sorting them out as much as he can! Sorry there wasn't enough of Rufus and Tseng - another story for another fic. **


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